crazy

This is how my day went yesterday:

10:00 a.m. – Go downstairs to the retail center in my office building. Buy coffee. Step outside for some fresh air (read – cigarette). Encounter crazy homeless woman who sometimes hangs out around the building. Crazy homeless woman sits down next to me and starts talking about her kids. Ask her if she has kids in the system because I have heard her talking about how they've been taken away. Confirm suspicions that she is severely schizophrenic when she responds that her children have been kidnapped, raped, and beaten by women lawyers who have taken over men's positions whilst wearing witch outfits and have gotten too power hungry since they have taken over the men's positions. Politely excuse myself and retreat to my office.

4:00 p.m. – Leave the office and stop by CVS on my way home. Encounter little old lady in the shower gel aisle. Little old lady comments on the great sales that CVS is having. Politely agree. Little old lady relates story about how she was in the Mac-Donald's earlier and witnessed a crazy homeless woman attempt to rob it. Story takes ten minutes. Little old lady tells me she's actually a CIA agent, and the crazy homeless woman is lucky she didn't have her gun or she would have shot her. Politely agree. Attempt to get away from little old lady, but little old lady follows me down the aisle, imploring me to "listen, miss." Little old lady warns me to stay away from the Mac-Donald's by the courthouse because this is the location of the attempted robbery. Little old lady shares with me that she works at the courthouse as a clerk, a judge, and a lawyer. Finally get away from little old lady. Three minutes later, hear her from the makeup aisle telling somebody else the story.

4:15 p.m. – Get on the bus to go home. Walk towards back of bus looking for a seat. Drunk old man gets up and offers me his seat. Politely thank him and accept the seat. Drunk old man sits in empty seat across aisle from me. Put my nose in my book. Five minutes later, feel somebody rubbing my left arm. Turn around to find drunk old man leaning back into his seat. Resolve to say something if it happens again, but to brush it off this time.

4:17 p.m. – Bus stops at Union Station and I get up to let other drunk old man who is sitting next to me get off the bus. CVS bags remain on the floor, and I see other drunk old man is struggling to get past them. Apologize and attempt to move CVS bags, but other drunk old man says it's fine and that actually, he wishes he could take CVS bags with him. Politely giggle, unsure of the meaning of his comment. Put my nose back in book and wait for bus to continue down H Street. Hear knock at my window. Turn to my right to see other drunk old man standing at window, motioning for me to get off bus. Turn back to book and think to myself that the day couldn't get any crazier.

4:32 p.m. – Get off bus and make my way down H Street. Out of corner of my eye, see drunk young man approaching with bottle in brown paper bag in hand. See him stop short. Continue walking, making extra effort not to make eye contact. Drunk young man grabs my arm as I walk by and proceeds to make the sign of the holy cross and blow kisses at me. Continue walking, resolving not to come out of the house for the rest of the day.

public transportation trauma

Since I sold my Explorer in August, I have become a champion of public transportation, and I have found that it's really not all that bad. At first, I would sit on the bus and fume, reminding myself that I have been through eight years of post-secondary education and I'm still riding the bus. But after a while, I got used to it.

Then this morning happened.

The bus was running late, so when it pulled up, I could see that it was packed full. I squeezed onto it and, as I do most mornings, stood in the aisle, holding on to the pole so that I wouldn't topple on top of the other fifty-seven people standing in the aisle every time the bus went over a bump or took a turn. I was standing there not three minutes when I heard a rather impatient man making his way up the aisle, pushing people out of his way, going "excuse me excuse me." By the time he approached me, I had already resolved that I was not going to let him by. In fact, I was rather annoyed at him. So he reached me and told me "excuse me excuse me excuse me," and I held on to the pole and told him "sir, you're gonna have to wait a minute until the bus stops." He looked at me with disbelief and said "I'm tryin'a get to the back of the bus," and I replied "well, you're gonna have to wait."

And then it happened. He took his dirty hand and grabbed my freshly lotioned hand on the pole, and then with his dirty fucking REPULSIVE long-ass finger nails, dug under my fingers to loosen them from the pole and brushed right past me.

I was and still am DISGUSTED. I got to work and washed my hands like seven times.

My response was "excuse me, please don't touch me." The words came out of my mouth and even as I heard them, I was so pissed off at myself. Why did I have to be so proper and polite? "Excuse me?" "Please?" Why couldn't I be gangsta and bust out with some shit like "Oh, I KNOW you didn't just put your dirty mothafuckin' hands on me, mothafucka" and kicked him in the groin? No, instead I busted out with "excuse me" and "please." What the fuck?????

I spent the rest of the ride to work trying to read my book but fantasizing about Henry Hill being my boyfriend and being on the bus with me and whipping out his pistol and telling that motherfucker "Touch her again and I swear to God I'll fucking kill you" like he did when that neighbor boy tried to touch Karen. Okay, not really, because I'm not a proponent of violence, but at least a big beefy gangster boy with me to be like "Touch her again and I swear to God…" something. Something gangsta. Not "Excuse me, please don't touch her again."