Yesterday I learned that my first boyfriend, who is actually the only real boyfriend I ever had, is expecting a baby. I met him when I was 19, and we were together for two tumultuous years until I went away to college and opened a new chapter. Then, my first year of law school, we got back together, but ulimtately did not work out at all so that was the end of that. We went through a lot together in those early years, and the lessons that I have learned from my relationship with him are lessons that I will keep with me for the rest of my life.
We're not in touch or anything anymore, so I heard the news through the grapevine (a very old, very tangled grapevine at that). When I mentioned it to my roommate, she responded "Well, he's old enough."
Holy shit. We're old enough to be parents. And pretty soon, he will be.
It got me thinking about how my life turned out and how his life turned out and how very different he is from me and how very different I am from 19-year-old or 21-year-old or even 23-year-old Amy. A lot has changed since then.
A baby so does not fit into my life right now. I can't even begin to imagine how I could possibly find a place for a baby right now. I can't hardy fathom starting a family right now. But down in ol' Fort Myers, my ex-boyfriend is becoming a father. He's starting his family. Six years ago, we were sure that WE were going to have a family. It just blows my mind.
I wish I could get a hold of him so I could wish him the best for him and his new little family.
But maybe some things are better left alone.
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