further proof that you can't trust 'em as far as you throw 'em

Bill Clinton.

JFK.

My mom's ex-boyfriend.

Missmo's ex-boyfriend.

Brad Pitt.

Beer on the Lap Boy.

What do they all have in common?? An extremely slimey disposition and a complete inability to uphold even the lowest standard of morality.

So Beer On the Lap and I spent about a week trying to make plans. I thought it odd that he would only make tentative plans - never anything definite, and always call the next day with some reason why we couldn't get together. However, I thought it considerate that he would call each time and never make any promises, so I continued answering his calls and inviting plans.
This was the week that DC was on fire from the heat wave, and simply stepping outside would cause me to become a puddle of sweat, which is totally unsexy. Moreover, he was a hippy like me and had no car, so the easiest plan was for him to come over to my house, and we'd sit on the porch, drink some beer, smoke some cigarettes, and just hang out.

So the day finally arrived and the plans came through. He arrived at my door promptly after work, dripping with sweat, and we sat down for a beer. I started trying to initiate the conversation, and I noticed that he wouldn't look at me when he answered my questions and all his answers were monosyllables. I started to feel a little uncomfortable, and started to drink my beer faster. Finally, after the third beer, the awkwardness disappeared. We talked, we laughed, we joked, we were really having a good time. I told him about myself, my family (i.e., Missmo, my mom, and my mom's big fake boobs), Dougie's adoption story, etc., etc. He told me about his home state, college, his friends, his parents, etc., etc. He was getting along splendidly with Dougie, which always makes my heart melt. Then, after a few more beers, he'd tell me how hot I am, what a nice girl I am, how very cool I am, etc., etc. I'd tell him "thank you." Then he started pulling the grab-and-kiss move, which is my absolute favorite. Very sexy, very cool.

However, during one of these grab-and-kiss sessions, it all fell apart. Whilst caressing my cheek, and again telling me that I'm just such a nice girl, his whole demeanor changed. Suddenly, he had to go, he had to leave, he had to go RIGHT NOW. Confused and a little drunk, I followed him out to front porch for one more cig before he left. There, he jumped on his cell phone, started calling everyone he knew to come pick him up. I heard him talking to the one who ulitmately came to get him, and I heard him telling the friend that he was BEGGING him to come get him and to SPEED THROUGH INTERSECTIONS. A little drunk and a lot of mad, as soon as he got off the phone, I lamented to him that I was compltely and utterly insulted by what had just happened and WHAT THE FUCK was going on???????

At that, he tried to hold my hand and told me that it wasn't me, it wasn't me at all, it was him. I, of course, would have rather held an octopus's hand than his at that point, and told him "Okay, George Castanza."

"No," he replied. "Really. I haven't been very honest with you."

"What?" I asked.

"I have a girl."

Goddamnit, people!!!!!!!!!!! Am I destined to be a fucking spinster for the rest of my life or what???? I mean really, what does it take in this world to find a nice, fun, cool guy with who does the grab-and-kiss move????

Upon further inquiry, I found that he has been with this girl for FOUR YEARS, and he followed her here from the friggin' midwest for graduate school. Also, she had called him three times while he was with me so he was pretty sure that she was going to know that something was up. Finally, since he had just met me, and I'm so cool, looks like he was going to have to dump her, or at least could we just be friends??? Of course my answer everything was "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE. DO NOT EVER CALL ME."

He didn't take my advice, however, and called me fifteen minutes after he left (with my cigarettes, might I add. Motherfucker stole my cigarettes!) to apologize once again because again, I'm just such a nice girl. Then, he had the nerve to call once more at 3:30 in the morning the next night. I of course didn't answer and he left no voice mail but I wish he would have only because I'm so curious as to what the objective of the call was. Another drunken, slurred apology? A declaration that he had left his girl, could he come over? Or to propose that both he and his girl come over????????

Dudes. Can't trust 'em as far as you can throw 'em.

everbody's working (or not) for the weekend

Good thing last weekend was so fun because this week SUCKS! It's been full of inconveniences, such as:

1. This goddamn heat wave. Like, WTF????? I think Al Gore's on to something here. It's so fucking hot I can't even go outside without sweating. It's really not much different than Florida, except I don't feel like I need a knife to cut through the thick air. But holy shit!! And of course, I'm off all week, and I could be out doing little touristy things like checking out the Smithsonian or going to see the Lincoln Memorial and shit like that. Or even go grocery shopping. But I can't because that would require going outside during the day which means I would melt. Which leads me to...

2. Being a hippy with no car. I can't even go grocery shopping because there's no way in hell (or DC because it's fucking hot as hell) that I'm going to walk the mile to the metro in the middle of the hot-ass day. Thus, I've been eating a lot of toast and drinking a lot of water lately.

3. My computer crashed. Thankfully, Jane left hers behind while she's off being a jetsetter in the Rich Coast so I can check my e-mail and blog. But in the meantime, I had like 18 hours of music on mine, and now I can't listen to any of it. I have my Ipod, which has about six hours, but I'm almost sick of all those jams because I've been listenting to then for about 65 hours.

4. I'm off all week. There's no studying to be done. There's no work to be done. THERE IS NOTHING TO BE DONE!!!! This is the first time in FOREVER that I've had absolutely NOTHING to do. I kind of hate it. I ordered a bunch of books from Barnes & Noble and I am like sitting by the door waiting for the mailman to come because I'm bored out of my fucking mind. I've seen all the movies currently on HBO like fifty thousand times (Shark Tale is so cute, by the way) and the only thing I really look forward to is old school Roseanne at 4 p.m on Oxygen. I CANNOT WAIT FOR MY BOOKS TO ARRIVE!!! A little aside - once they do arrive, the first one I'm reading is Pride and Prejudice, for the first time. And this will be the first time I actually sat down and read and finished a novel since I started law school.

My IPod battery just died. Fuck.

Thank God for Julia Gulia, who entertained me the past two evenings. Tuesday night I spilled my entire beer in her lap. Apparently, this is my new modus operandi.