we're adults. when did that happen?

Yesterday I learned that my first boyfriend, who is actually the only real boyfriend I ever had, is expecting a baby. I met him when I was 19, and we were together for two tumultuous years until I went away to college and opened a new chapter. Then, my first year of law school, we got back together, but ulimtately did not work out at all so that was the end of that. We went through a lot together in those early years, and the lessons that I have learned from my relationship with him are lessons that I will keep with me for the rest of my life.

We're not in touch or anything anymore, so I heard the news through the grapevine (a very old, very tangled grapevine at that). When I mentioned it to my roommate, she responded "Well, he's old enough."

Holy shit. We're old enough to be parents. And pretty soon, he will be.

It got me thinking about how my life turned out and how his life turned out and how very different he is from me and how very different I am from 19-year-old or 21-year-old or even 23-year-old Amy. A lot has changed since then.

A baby so does not fit into my life right now. I can't even begin to imagine how I could possibly find a place for a baby right now. I can't hardy fathom starting a family right now. But down in ol' Fort Myers, my ex-boyfriend is becoming a father. He's starting his family. Six years ago, we were sure that WE were going to have a family. It just blows my mind.

I wish I could get a hold of him so I could wish him the best for him and his new little family.

But maybe some things are better left alone.

missing

I miss electric touches. Where he puts his hand on my arm and it tingles and I ask "Do you feel that electricity?" and he just smiles because he knows that of course I know he feels it.

I miss secrets. The most intimate words in a hushed voice in the night while his heart pumps against my ear.

I miss comfortable safety. Bury my head in his chest with one arm around my shoulders and knowing that there is no safer place in the world than right here.

I miss heartache. Having something so sweet, so pure, so real, that it my heart aches if I think about it too much.

I miss surrender. Giving my entire being to him to do what he will and wanting him to do anything, everything.

But in the meantime, I've found me. So I guess that's enough.

from beach bunny to snow bunny

This week I saw snow for the third time in a decade. (I love saying "I saw snow for the [x] time in a decade.") It's such a novelty to me that you can catch me at the bus stop taking pictures of the brown, nasty slush with my camera phone and sending it to my mom and Missmo back home, as though it were magic super slush that contains diamonds and makes you skinny. I had two half snow days, which were so much better than hurricane days because there isn't really any danger during a snow day – you just chill in front of the fire and get to watch Oprah. The past three mornings, I've had to wear the snow boots that my mom gave me for Christmas, which has made me regret being annoyed that I had to drag them all the way from Florida to DC. Every day, I e-mail Missmo about the temperature (usually around 20) and the current weather conditions and she always responds with the temp in SW Florida (usually something around 78) and reminds me that she can and does go to the beach.

This sure ain't Kansas anymore.

This weekend I will try my hand at snowboarding. I have to purchase snowboarding gear because, of course, I own none, and I'm really nervous that I'm going to get the wrong shit because I don't know anything about winter sports and all the cool experienced snowboarders will laugh at me. Kinda like when it first started getting a little chilly here and I never wore a coat because I didn't know any better because I hadn't had to wear a coat in 13 years. That kind of thing.

I'm really excited, though, because I've been wanting to try snowboarding ever since I went up to Deep Creek Lake, MD in January. I keep fantasizing about how I'll be a natural, and all of the sudden I'll come down the mountain with my IPod in my ears in my functional yet stylish snowboarder outfit, in perfect snowboard chick form, and then do like this cool stop and all the snow will shoot up and there will be a crowd at the bottom of the hill and everyone will look at me like "Ohmygod, she's soooooo good," and I'll be like "What?" But in real life, I'll probably spend most of my time on my ass the first day, and there's a good chance that the second day I will wipe out bad and suffer a minor concussion.

saturday night blogging

Some completely random facts about me:
1. I was captain of my JV cheerleading squad in high school.
2. Shortly into football season, I was kicked off my JV cheerleading squad.
3. When I was about 5 or 6, I was convinced that my father was David Lee Roth.
4. Sometimes the sound of a banjo and fiddle makes my heart swell up in my chest.
5. My very first crush was Luke Skywalker.
6. Tom Sawyer was my second crush ever.
7. I didn't learn how to drive until I was 18.
8. One of the things at the top of my list of things to do is to swim with dolphins.
9. Skydiving used to also be something on my list, but in the past five years, I have developed a height phobia.
10. When I was 11, I made my little friends go with me to the Vietnam War Memorial in Manchester, Connecticut and tie yellow ribbons to the trees in support of the troops during Desert Storm.
11. I once knocked over the Christmas tree which caused half of my great-grandmother's antique glass ornaments to break, and I blamed the dog. (Not Dougie - this was way before him.)
12. Jordan Knight was my favorite New Kid on the Block.
13. I have met ?love from the Roots.
14. Until I was 19, I was convinced that it was my destiny to move to New York and marry a mobster.
15. When we were 17, a boy ran Missmo and me off the road and tried to kill us and totally terrified us.
16. In 1986, my mother and I drove all the way from Connecticut to Florida and listened to Bon Jovi and U2 the whole time.
17. I almost went to FSU. Because Tallahassee seemed like more of a party school.
18. When I got the solo in the school play in 5th grade, all the 6th grade girls were such bitches to me that I ended up telling the teacher I didn't want to do it.
19. I broke my very first car by doing 140 or something ridiculous across Alligator Alley. And it was a Mercury.
20. When I first moved to Florida in 1993, I lived on a sail boat on the city dock.