maybe we're both crazy

So here is my first post on my new blog site. I had this blog on another site, where I could easily be identified and future employers could read about my drunken exploits, so I decided to move it. Now I can finally write honestly about EVERYTHING, for nobody I know will ever have this address and YOU people can't tell who I am just by looking at my picture on my profile because I have a microphone in front of my face. (Key West. So fun.)

Anyway, this will be my first honest post and yes, my friends, it's about booze and sex and a dude. A certain dude that I've been kind of dating off and on since September. "Kind of dating" because this is how it goes: he'll call me up, we'll meet up, we'll have drinks and maybe a jumbo slice, then we'll make out, usually he'll spend the night but I won't let him have sex with me, then we'll have breakfast, then he'll leave, then I'll call him or e-mail him and invite him somewhere, then he won't respond, then I'll hear from him for at least two weeks later when the event to which I have invited him has come and gone. Repeat.

Twice I've mentioned to him that this is bullshit, and only after I avoid his calls for a month or two but he keeps calling so I give in. He always tries to tell me that it's not me, it's him (heard that one before), and that of course he's into me and I shouldn't think he's not just because he doesn't call for two weeks or respond to my invitations (!).

But for some reason, I always break down and agree to meet him. There's just something about him. Truthfully, he's totally nerdy, and not in a really cool way. Sometimes, it's so obvious that he tries too hard to be smart and sophisticated or whatever and I just want to be like "Dude, just be yourself." Also, we have a lot in common and our playlists are very much alike which is something I've never found in another person. He has a job that I admire, and we have a whole lotta fun together. But what I think I'm most attracted to is that at the mere age of 22, he was sent to Iraq and was one of the first into Baghdad. This just fascinates me. Maybe it's that Fredrick Henry from A Farewell to Arms is the love of my life, maybe it's because I've been needing a hero for a long time and I associate all men in uniform with heroes, of maybe I'm just crazy. I don't know.

Anyway, saw him this weekend for the first time since January. It's funny because earlier that evening, I was thinking to myself how that night I'd just like to have someone who would stand next to me at a bar, throw his arm around me and pull me into him. And then he called. So I agreed to meet him. We got wasted, as usual, and he put his hands in my pocket and rubbed my thigh and pulled me into him. And I was high.

Then he started to explain to me why he's so undependable. He told me he has intimacy issues that are related to post-traumatic stress disorder for which he is currently seeking treatment.

Damn.

I don't know really what to think about this. Is it a cop-out? I don't think so. Is he really just waiting for something better to come along? Maybe. He assures me that he hasn't been seeing anybody else, and that he hasn't even been laid since July, he just seems to be in a funk a lot, but he's not interested in being my friend, but he's not interested in being my boyfriend right now, but he just has to work it out.

That night, he brought me to his house. We slept together, but we didn't have sex. We didn't even make out. He just held me all night and all morning. We woke up, had breakfast, he dropped me off, and I'm sure I won't hear from him for two weeks. But I can't help hoping that I will and looking forward to two weeks.